Remembrance of Things Passed
by daydreamer4
Summary: Toby and CJ's relationship in 1984. What brought them to where they are today and more importantly, what exactly is between them.


Author's Note: So I'm not a CJ/Toby shipper in any way imaginable other than they have an interesting friendship dynamic. However, I've been thinking about their relationship lately and this little story came to mind. Also, I couldn't remember the names of Tal Cregg's ex-wives so I made them up. I'm not sure they were even mentioned, but if they were I'm fairly confident I've changed them! I don't own the characters or The West Wing, I'm just having a bit of fun. Please read and review.

* * *

Remembrance of Things Passed

_July 1984_

It was late July, 1984 and California the heat was just beginning to become unbearable. Toby walked from his car to the small office building where he worked and just about dissolved into a pool of sweat. By the time he entered the building he had to pull out a handkerchief to wipe the sweat from his brow. He was twenty-something, but he had the characteristics of a forty year old man. He always thought he was born forty and most people agreed with him.

"Hey there sunshine," she smiled at him when he was in the door and dried to an acceptable point. "Hot out there?"

"I don't know how you people do it," he muttered as he walked to get a glass of water.

The small office of six watched wearily as he made his was to the refrigerator. Everyone walked on eggshells when he was around, but not her. She was up and trailing behind him immediately.

"You know, I was born in Ohio," she informed him.

"I know that," he replied somewhat curtly.

"I'm just saying that while you're so fond of the phrase 'you people,' I'm in fact not one of them."

"So noted," he replied talking a large sip of water.

"So how far did you have to park?" she asked making conversation. He loved that about her. He often came to work grumbling and irritated and she was the only one in the room who didn't care. She was the only one who persisted. He often wondered if she had made him some sort of project in one of those girly make-over scenarios that women seemed so fond of.

"Take a guess," he replied.

"I'm gonna go with far and you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because you're just a joy to be around and you've been in the office for two minutes. You know these people are afraid of you right?" she asked.

"As well they should be," Toby replied.

"I'm not though."

"You care to share why?" he asked curious.

"You're all bark," she said. "You care about these people and the work we're doing here."

"I care about the work," Toby allowed with a smirk.

She picked up on it right away and grinned in return. She hit him playfully with her shoulder and chuckled a little.

"I told you," she said as she sauntered back to her desk seemingly satisfied with getting a smirk from him so early in the day.

Toby watched her walk away and he knew he was hooked. CJ Cregg had only been working there for a month, but he was utterly enamored of her. She had so much idealism about her that is was slightly contagious. Toby had already experienced a few hard knocks in life, not the least of which was his father's criminal background, and he didn't feel as innocent anymore. That was, of course, when he wasn't around CJ Cregg.

She was fresh off a Master's degree at the University of California Berkley with a mission to change the world. She just might too. She was certainly smart enough. She was wittier than just about anyone he'd ever met and damn sexy too if he had an opinion. Most women who stood six feet tall would have some sort of inhibition about them from feeling as if they stood out, but not Claudia Jean Cregg. She commanded the room when she walked in and she absolutely owned it when she laughed.

Toby shook his head and walked over to his desk ready to begin the day.

CJ watched him settle in at his desk and leave through some messages that were lying there. She wondered about Toby Ziegler sometimes. He was definitely not a sunshine and roses kind of guy and she wondered how he ended up in California. It seemed the most unlikely of places for him to land. But then again, maybe Toby was a bit of a free spirit like her. She was born and bred in Ohio after all, the epitome of Midwestern values and the like. She just up and left for school knowing that there were bigger and better things ahead for her. At least, hoping there were bigger and better things ahead for her anyway.

Toby was a few years older than her. He wore the years on his face like no other she'd seen. It was almost like a tree and its rings. While a tree could be dated by counting the rings once it was cut down, Toby could be dated by the frown lines and his thinning hair. But there was something about him. CJ felt a connection to him that she didn't quite understand.

"Hey," CJ said leaning across the aisle.

"What?" Toby asked.

"You want to go to lunch?" she asked.

"It's eight-thirty in the morning," Toby pointed out.

"I didn't mean now," she sighed. "I meant at _lunchtime_. I thought I'd get dibs on your busy social calendar."

Toby just looked at her for moment. She was serious, but her wisecrack about his social calendar was unexpected. Once again he didn't know what to make of her sometimes.

"No big plans with Ranger Rick today?" he asked.

She paused for a moment before answering, as if the question had caught her off guard. "He doesn't stop by every day," she said finally.

"He stops by enough," Toby pointed out.

"He's not a ranger you know," CJ continued. "His name is also not Rick. It's Ben."

"Ben, Jerry, Tom, Harry," Toby dismissed her. "He comes in looking like the Canadian Mounted Police at least three times a week."

"He works for the Forestry Department," she said in an odd tone. "Anyway, he's not coming over for lunch, so do you want to go or not?"

An ultimatum, he was intrigued. She was normally happy to discuss her live-in boyfriend, but not today. Today he was an irritant, which made Toby unexpectedly happy.

"Okay," he said finally.

"Really?"

"Okay is usually used to indicate an affirmative response," he pointed out.

"Except when it's not," CJ retorted.

"I said I'll go to lunch with you," Toby said in a put upon voice.

"Good," she smiled leaning back to her desk.

For the remainder of the morning CJ focused on compiling lists of potential donors and talking on the phone. They worked for a human rights organization and while the work wasn't especially challenging CJ felt like she was contributing to the greater good.

While she worked she noticed that Toby would glance at her sideways every so often. She turned once or twice to see if she could catch him, but she never did. Whatever he was doing he was good at it.

"So you ready?" she asked around noon.

"Sure," he said hesitantly.

"Do you not want to go to lunch with me?" she finally asked. "I'm a very attractive woman. I can have lunch with many, many people."

"I don't doubt that," Toby said. "It makes me wonder why you've targeted me."

"Targeted?" she scoffed. "Look, the thing is, I've watched you. Everyday for the last month you walk across the street at 11:45 p.m. and you order a burger in a take out container and you bring it back here to eat by yourself. I'm just trying to give you a little lunchtime companionship."

"So you feel sorry for me?" he said standing. Though it was clear they were going to have debate it didn't stop Toby from wanting to go eat lunch with her.

"No," she replied. "Well, a little, but that's not why I asked you to lunch."

"Please, enlighten me," he said in a very condescending tone.

"I'm trying to figure you out Toby Ziegler," she said finally as they walked toward the door. The eyes of those left behind followed them as they left. It was as if they were trying to figure out why CJ was engaging the beast.

"You're trying to figure me out?" he laughed at the absurdity of her comment. He didn't have himself figured out so she sure as hell didn't have a prayer.

"Was your undergrad in psychology or something?" Toby asked. "Do I get lunch and free psychoanalysis?"

"No," she replied as they walked along the sidewalk in the sweltering heat. "I just wonder what makes you tick is all. What makes a man move to California if he doesn't like sunshine, heat, the beach or convertibles?"

"Your convertible is a deathtrap," he reminded her. "You might have the breeze blowing in your hair, but the odds of you dying in a roll over crash are far greater than mind thank you very much."

"So noted," she said throwing his line from earlier back at him.

He stopped walking and looked at her. She finally realized she was a few steps ahead of him and stopped to look at him.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said walking again and suppressing a smile. "Everyone in the office is afraid of me and you're not because you say I'm all bark and no bite, but how do you know that?"

"I just do," she said.

"How? Why?" he pressed.

"I have faith in people," she said simply.

"Must be nice," he said shaking his head.

"You don't?" she asked.

"Not really."

"Why?" she asked.

"People just let you down."

"Sometimes I suppose, but it's not reason to lose faith in all mankind."

"Maybe it is."

"You don't think that's kind of harsh?"

"You don't think it's naïve to believe in the good in people when they do nothing but let you down?" he asked channeling some of his anger toward his father, whom he'd given nothing but the benefit of the doubt for his entire life only to be let down.

"No, I don't," she said seriously.

"Well," he shrugged. They walked a few minutes more until they got to the restaurant.

"Shall we?" he asked as if she might have changed her mind.

"Of course," she said.

* * *

_November 1984_

"Did you call McCarty about the thing?" Toby asked quickly as CJ hung up the phone.

"Yesterday," she replied.

"He's on board for the speech?" he asked.

"Yes," CJ affirmed.

"You could have told me you talked to him already. I've spent three hours trying to track down the state Senate Majority leader like an idiot."

"Well excuse me for not running everything passed you Toby. I didn't realize you were my boss," she snipped at him.

It was unusual for her to lose her temper with him. She'd normally let a random sarcastic comment fly, but she rarely engaged him in a fight, even after six months of working together. A few eyes from the others looked up to his reaction.

"I need to be informed of things when we're working on the same project," he replied a bit angrily.

"So how hard was it for you to ask me? I've been here for three hours already. I've spent a sum total of fifteen minutes on the phone," she snapped at him. "Just because you decided to waste half the day trying to track McCarty down, don't put it on me."

She stood up angrily and walked over to the small kitchenette to pour herself a cup of coffee. Toby stood there, flabbergasted, for a moment and ran his hand over his head. He paced back and forth a few times before placing his hand on his hip and following her.

"So that was a little different," he said casually as he watched her flit about the area.

"Yeah," she said in an irritated tone.

"Is everything okay?" he asked cautiously.

He had noticed that lately she seemed on edge. He wondered if it was her boyfriend that was making things difficult, but he never worked up the nerve to ask. Asking would lead to hoping that there was trouble and hoping that there was trouble would lead to thinking there might be a possibility of a future with CJ.

"No," she said staring into her coffee mug.

"Can I help?" Toby asked.

"No," CJ said. "It's a thing with my family."

"Ah," Toby replied understanding. "Well you know quite a bit about my family so as long as your dad isn't a career criminal I think it'll be okay."

"Yeah," CJ sighed.

"Seriously, what's going?" Toby asked.

"My dad is coming to town for Thanksgiving," she said.

"Isn't that good news? You love when your dad comes to town," Toby pointed out.

"He's divorcing Katherine," CJ said flatly. "He's bringing Meg with him."

"His new girlfriend?" Toby asked.

"His new fiancée," CJ said bitterly correcting him.

"Wow," Toby said. "You never said that he was having problems with Katherine."

"He wasn't," CJ said. "Not that I knew of anyway. He just up and decided it was time to move on according to my brother. I was just getting used to Katherine. They were only married three years."

"Yeah," Toby sighed not sure how to make her feel better.

"Apparently they're flying in on Tuesday," CJ said. "We're celebrating Thanksgiving Wednesday and then they're flying back home on Thursday to have dinner with my brothers."

"Well it's only two days," Toby reasoned. "I'm sure it'll be okay."

"I'm sure it won't," CJ said. "I can't do this again Toby."

"You'll be fine," he said.

"Will you come to dinner with us?" she asked hopefully.

"What?" Toby asked taken aback by her request.

"I have to go to dinner with them on Wednesday night, will you come?" she asked again. He could see the hope in her eyes.

"What about Ben?" he asked finally.

"He's…busy," she said pausing between the words as if it wasn't quite the truth.

"Too busy to go to dinner with you?" Toby asked.

"Yeah," she dismissed him. "So will you come?"

"CJ," he tried to protest.

"Please?" she asked again. He looked at her and knew he couldn't deny her anything. She had no idea, but she had him wrapped around her finger.

"Okay," he shrugged.

"Thank you," she said happily setting her mug down and rushing over to Toby to throw her arms around him. She hugged him tightly in gratitude and Toby could smell her shampoo as he reluctantly wrapped his arms around her as well.

"We'll probably eat around seven," CJ informed him as she pulled away from him leaving him cold.

"Yeah," he replied looking at the floor for a moment.

"I really appreciate this Toby," she said smiling for the first time that day. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You're welcome," he replied as he watched her walk back to her desk. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. This was getting tricky.

* * *

"Claudia tells me that you're quite a wordsmith," Tal said to Toby as they waited for their dinner to be served.

"Really?" he said with a small grin. "I'm not so sure about that."

"Don't be modesty Toby," she said putting her hand on his arm. "That speech you wrote for the rally in Pasadena was beautiful."

"Thank you," he said grateful for the low restaurant light that hid a slight blush.

"What's your ambition?" Tal asked. "Do you plan to write a book someday?"

"I doubt it," Toby replied. "Unless, of course, I do something really scandalous. That's really the only reason I can see me writing a book."

CJ looked over at him and chuckled. Scandalous was the last word she'd associate with Toby. Volatile was a word that might fit, but she couldn't imagine him ever doing something so scandalous that he'd need to write a tell-all book to tell his side of the story.

"Toby is going to be a brilliant political operative," CJ informed her father. Toby glanced over at her and was surprised she remembered that he'd told her that once when they'd first met.

"A political operative?" Meg asked. "What's that exactly?"

"They help run political campaigns," CJ said dumbing down the answer for Meg whom she didn't want to include in the conversation any more than she had to.

"You don't want to run for president?" Tal asked Toby.

"No, I'll leave that to your daughter sir," Toby said flashing CJ a grin and taking a sip of wine.

"You're running for office Claudia?" he asked surprised.

"No," she replied. "Toby just likes to tease me."

"You'd be very good at it Claudia Jean. You've got a good head on your shoulders. Though I suppose the sharp tongue might be somewhat of a hindrance," he teased her.

"Thanks Daddy," she said shaking her head.

"CJ your dad tells me you were thinking of working in communications," Meg said trying to make conversation. "There are a lot of movie studios out here. I'm sure they need help selling their movies."

"That's not really me Meg," CJ said taking a large sip of her drink.

"Oh, well it's just a thought," Meg said somewhat out at CJ's quick dismissal.

"She's more of a doer," Toby said trying to save the exchange. "CJ likes to motivate people to do more than go to the movies."

CJ looked over across the table and noted how handsome and charming Toby could be when he wanted to. He put on a façade for people, but deep down he was really a wonderful man.

"Oh, like what you're doing now with the human right's work? You'll stick to nonprofit work then?" Meg asked politely.

"Maybe," CJ said a little curtly. "So, how's the fly-fishing dad?"

"It's been quite fruitful," Tal said amiably as if he was oblivious to CJ's distain for his new fiancée.

"Good," she smiled.

The dinner went on and the conversation was at times strained, but ultimately a success due to Toby's ability to defuse CJ's sharp tongue and Tal's ignorance to his daughter's feelings about a second step-mother in three years time.

"It was a pleasure to meet you Tanner," Tal said sticking out his hand.

"It's Toby dad. He's horrible with names," she apologized to Toby.

"Sorry, Toby, I knew that," he said. "I've got a Tanner in my third period algebra class. Sometimes I get the names a little muddled."

"No problem sir," Toby said pleasantly. "It was very nice to meet you."

"You as well _Toby_," he said. "You look out for my Claudia will you? I hate that she's decided to be so far away."

"Yes sir," Toby nodded.

"Bye Dad," CJ said giving him a hug. "I'll call you on Thursday."

"You do that," he said looking at her one last time.

"It was nice to meet you Meg," CJ said sticking out her hand limply.

"You as well Claudia," Meg replied.

"CJ, please," CJ corrected her. "Claudia is so formal."

Toby could see the subtle flinch CJ made when Meg called her Claudia. It wasn't that CJ found it formal, she found the use of her full name familiar and she didn't want this supposed interloper using it just yet. Tal and Meg didn't notice it, but Toby did. They were off eventually and CJ grabbed Toby's arm and pulled him back into the restaurant.

"Don't tell me you're hungry again," Toby said following her.

"No, I'm thirsty," she said. "Very thirsty."

They made their way over to the bar and ordered their drinks. CJ sat quietly thinking as they waited for them and she didn't say anything. It was up to Toby to make the conversation.

"Meg didn't seem so bad," Toby offered.

"I'm sure she's not," CJ said taking a swig of her beer when it was set in front of her.

"You could have been a _little_ nicer," Toby pointed out.

"Why?" CJ asked. "She'll be gone in a year, mark my words."

"You think?" Toby asked.

"My dad will put off the wedding until at least next year and then he'll get bored because that's what he does."

"He's been married to Katherine for three years," Toby said.

"Yeah, after he dated Margo, Suzanne, Shelley and Karen for a year apiece."

"He seemed happy," Toby pointed out.

"Yeah well everyone seems happy in the beginning," CJ said spitefully.

"Okay, is this not about your dad anymore?" Toby asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You seem to have a lot of disgust for someone you don't really know," Toby said. "Is there something going on with Ben?"

He finally asked the question that he wanted to ask for the last two months. The words slipped out and now he was about to get his answer.

"We broke up," she said flatly.

"Ah," he replied.

"Don't act like you didn't see it coming," she said.

"I didn't," he replied aloud. _"I was just hopeful,"_ he said internally.

"All your Ranger Rick jokes? The mountain man comments," she said. "You knew it wouldn't last."

"Well he didn't exactly share your interests," Toby pointed out.

"No, he sure didn't," CJ said drinking her beer again. "He'd go hiking and bring back eight pounds of dirt in his shoes, which he'd wear as he walked all over the kitchen floor. I'd put on CNN and he'd flip on the outdoor channel where they actually gut fish. Fish guts all over."

"I'm sorry," he offered.

"I'm not," she said. "It was time. It was fun for a while and he's nice enough, but it was time."

"I'll drink to that," Toby said reaching his glass over and clinking it with hers. She looked at him and grinned until she saw something there in his eyes. It was something she'd never really noticed before and it made her slightly nervous. He was looking at her with eyes that conveyed more than friendship and it worried her. Not that CJ never looked at Toby in that way, but his look signified an intention, one that she didn't share, in pursuing more than friendship.

CJ quickly gulped down the rest of her beer and set it back on the counter.

"Well," she said. "I should get going. It's been kind of a long night. Thanks for coming with me."

"Anytime," Toby said. "Your dad seems like a nice guy, bad taste in women and all."

"Yeah," CJ smiled. "Well I'll see you at work on Friday."

"Okay. Hey," he said suddenly.

CJ felt her heart start to beat faster. She had a sudden feeling that he actually ask her out, or signal some sort of romantic interest in her and she wasn't ready for that.

Toby saw a glint of something in her gaze and he changed his mind. It was almost as if her eyes were begging him not to speak the words that crossed his mind and he obliged.

"Do you want me to follow you home?" Toby asked.

"No I'll be fine," CJ assured him with a breath of relief.

"Okay, goodnight," Toby said.

"'Night," CJ replied as she made a hasty exit.

* * *

_February 1985_

It had been roughly three months since CJ had broken up with Ben and Toby was bidding his time. There were a few occasions when he wanted to say something to her about grabbing a drink or going to dinner, but he couldn't summon his courage. They were so close in so many ways, yet his secret affection for her was becoming a chasm between them, at least in Toby's mind.

She'd seen him look at her in a more than friendly way at least once a week since she'd told him it was over with Ben. Thus far CJ had successfully avoided having to deal with his feelings and that was how she liked it. There were times when she'd sense that Toby was working up his courage to say something to her about it and she just wasn't ready to confront it so she'd give him the look that begged him to stay silent. She could tell he when he was gearing up and she silently prayed that he would pick up her signal, which he always did because regardless of romance or not, they could read each other's minds.

CJ hadn't had to deal with the romance question much lately though because Toby had been in a mood and she knew that it was because of the fact that their little nonprofit was most likely going out of business. People were concerned about domestic issues, not human rights around the world. The end was nigh and they all knew it, but it was Toby was taking it the hardest. She'd tried to cheer him up but his mood just affected her in much the same way.

It was 11:45 a.m. and he'd dashed across the street to order his usual solitary lunch. CJ wasn't taking a lunch because she was leaving early for a job interview. She hadn't told anyone, including Toby, that she was thinking of leaving before they were officially fired.

"Hey CJ," Tabitha said passing by her desk.

"Hey," CJ said glancing up and then getting back to work.

"Are you okay lately?" Tabitha asked.

"Sure, why?" CJ replied giving Tabitha her full attention now.

"We've just sort of noticed that you're not as happy as you used to be," Tabitha said. "You don't seem to laugh as often anymore."

"I laugh," CJ protested.

"Yeah, but it seems like there's something wrong," Tabitha pressed. "We've all noticed it. Is it Toby? Are you two fighting?"

"No," CJ said wrinkling her brow. "Things aren't going well _here_ in case you haven't noticed. We're going to be lucky to have a job in a month."

"I get that," Tabitha said. "It's just…"

"It's just what?" CJ asked slightly irritated.

"Look," she said lowering her voice and leaning over her desk. "I know you and Toby have this thing going on, but he brings you down CJ."

"Toby and I don't have a _thing_. We're just friends and I resent you telling me that he brings me down," CJ said raising her voice slightly.

Tabitha sighed. "We just thought you should know," she said quickly before she walked away and back to her desk.

CJ sat and tried to concentrate on her work but now there was no hope. Why would they all think that Toby brought her down? Sure, she'd been moody lately, but that was because she was about to lose her job. The very organization she worked for was on the verge of being extinct. Of course the prospect of the work she'd done for the last being moot was troubling. Anyone with any feelings would feel the same.

CJ sat and thought about Toby's mood lately as well. She tried to recall the last time she saw him smile. It had been awhile. Sometimes she'd catch him looking at her, but there was even sadness in his flirting glances. She recalled trying to cheer him up and tease him, but to no avail. Once she realized there was no hope of cheering him she had fallen into a depressed state herself. Maybe Tabitha had a point.

"Hard at work?" Toby asked approaching her desk with two carry-out containers of food. "Just because we're going under doesn't mean we have can't go out in a ball of flames."

"I know," she said.

"I brought you lunch," he said setting the containers down and pulling his chair over.

"I wish you would have told me you were doing that," CJ said. "I'm not taking lunch today."

"Don't tell me you're doing the diet thing. You're gorgeous. You don't need to lose weight," he said seriously.

"I appreciate that," she said. "But I have an appointment at four so I have to leave early."

"You're leaving early? Geez CJ, just because there's a pretty good chance we're not going to have jobs at the end of the month is no reason for you to beg off early."

"I'm not begging off early, I'm working through lunch," she pointed out.

"However you justify it," he snipped.

This is how it was lately. They were angry with the world and it was easier to get mad at each other. He picked up his carryout container and moved back over to his desk. CJ looked around and noticed the others, especially Tabitha, giving her looks that seemed to say, 'I told you so.' CJ left work early, as promised and didn't say another word to Toby before she left.

* * *

She knocked on his door around nine that evening. He opened it and was surprised to see her standing there with a pack of beer in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," he replied.

"Can I come in?" she asked.

"Sure," he said skeptically stepping aside to let her in.

She walked into his small apartment and looked around. Though they'd known each other for a year and they could read each other's thoughts, she'd never spent much time at his place. She supposed it was because of the inherent romantic danger it posed, but she didn't give it much thought.

"What's all that?" Toby asked gesturing to the alcohol in her hands.

"I was thinking that we could pretend we don't work together and get drunk," she said.

"Sounds like a plan," Toby said amiably. "I assume the JD is for me?"

"I could be a hard-core Jack Daniels drinker," she said taking off her coat and tossing it over the back of the couch.

"But you're not," he said knowingly.

"No, I'm not," she agreed.

"So the thing with us today," Toby said pouring himself a large glass. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. It's this thing with work."

"I know," she nodded opening her beer. "It's bad. I'm sorry I left without, you know."

"Yeah," he said drinking quickly. "That's good stuff."

"Well you needed it," CJ said. "Our moods haven't gone unnoticed around the office."

"Oh yeah?" Toby said taking a seat on the couch.

"Tabitha said something to me today," CJ said sitting across from him.

"What'd she say?" Toby asked.

"Just that she noticed our depressed state," CJ said.

"Our collective depressed state?" Toby asked.

"Yeah," CJ nodded.

"We're not two separate people anymore? Tabitha Morgan is an idiot. She's lucky she's worked there as long as she has because she grossly incompetent."

"She said," CJ said treading carefully. "She said they all think you bring me down. She basically told me that I mirror your moods."

"That's not entirely true," Toby said.

"Not entirely true? So you think she's right?"

"I think sometimes you're happy and I'm not and then you're not happy," Toby said.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I think sometimes she's right," Toby said taking a large swig of his drink.

"So I'm not my own person? I'll have you know that I'm very capable of feeling my own feelings," she said haughtily.

Toby immediately laughed at her turn of phrase and CJ began to chuckle at how absurd it sounded herself.

"Seriously though, you think she's right?" CJ asked once the laughter subsided.

"Sometimes," Toby admitted. "You care so deeply CJ. Sometimes you have so much empathy that you turn it into your fight, your feelings."

"You think that's bad?" she asked.

"I think it makes you an amazing woman with a huge capacity to feel," he replied confidently as he refilled his glass. "You need another?"

"Do you even have to ask?" she replied.

After CJ had finished five beers and Toby was half finished with his bottle of Jack Daniels, CJ decided to broach the subject of her job interview.

"So remember when I said we should get drunk and pretend we don't work together?" she asked.

"Yeah," Toby said with a hint of hopefulness in his tone.

"Well it's because I have to tell you something about where I was today," she said. "I left early because I had a job's interview."

"A job interview?" Toby asked almost aghast. "You're leaving?"

"It was just an interview," CJ reminded him.

"Where?"

"It's a new organization," CJ replied. "They're going to raise money for female political candidates. It's brand new."

"Wow," he said.

"Yeah," she said.

"So you're not going to stick it out," he stated.

"It was just an interview," she reminded him. "I won't know anything until next week."

"Right, you're gone and you know it."

"It's a sinking ship where we are Toby," she said.

"And women and children first right?" he retorted.

"Please don't be pissed. This could be a great opportunity for me."

"I know," he shrugged. "I'm not pissed about that."

"Then what is it?"

He gave her a hard look and if she hadn't had so much to drink she would have seen the look in his eyes, but she missed it and because of that she wasn't able to enact her preemptory strike.

"You're like my best friend," he said. "I like working with you."

He stood up and walked over to the loveseat where CJ sat. He sat down next to her and faced her.

"I like seeing you everyday because even though it's been pretty awful lately, it's better because you're there."

"Toby," she said.

"No listen, seriously," he said taking her hands. "You're a wonderful woman. You're smart, funny, beautiful and talented and you do deserve more. I really hope you get the job at that silly girl's group you interviewed at, but I'm going to miss you."

"We'll still see each other," she insisted.

"Owens told me we're all out by the twenty-eighth," he said.

"Toby I'm sorry," she said sincerely.

"You know the kicker?" he said almost giddy. "I couldn't care less about that. I know there are other things out there, but it's you. I'm going to miss working with you and seeing you everyday."

He was working up his resolve to just dive in and tell her what he was trying to say.

"I'm going to miss working with you everyday because I'm in love you," he said hastily. "And before you say anything, let me finish. I know love is a strong word, but I love you in every way possible. I fell in love with as a friend and over time it's just gotten bigger and more consuming and I can't keep it to myself anymore. I'm not even sure how you feel about this, but I think you're phenomenal and I don't honestly think I'll ever meet anyone as miraculous as you ever again."

CJ sat, stunned. It may have been the affects of the alcohol or the fervor with which he declared his feelings, but took her a moment for her hazy mind to clear. Unfortunately once it did she did the unexpected. She saw him sitting there so honest and flattering and she saw the look in his eyes. His eyes were nothing but genuine and she didn't have the heart to turn him down. So she reached out, grabbed Toby's face and pulled him toward her for a kiss.

Their lips met gently at first, but Toby quickly pulled her toward him and deepened the kiss. It was everything he'd dreamt of and it was finally happening.

CJ felt him kiss her more deeply and her brain was screaming with conflicting thoughts. Part of her was curious and wanted more, but the other part knew that this could never work. She felt Toby's hand creep up her thigh and she pulled back.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm, uh," she said trying to formulate a thought in her drunk, irrational mind.

"Is this what you want?" he asked.

"It's what you want," she said quickly without thinking. Once the words escaped her lips she realized that was most definitely the wrong response.

"It's what _I_ want?" he said pulling away from her and standing. He walked over to the table and poured himself another drink. "But not what you want right? Never what you'd want."

"I'm just confused," CJ said standing and trying to reason with him. "It's complicated."

"No, it's really quite simple," Toby insisted. "You feel a thing or you don't."

"I'm not ready for this," CJ said. "You're my best friend Toby and I know that doesn't sound good to you right now, but you're the one person in my life that I can tell absolutely anything to. You're the one person in my life that understands what I'm thinking before I say it out loud."

"Isn't that a good thing?" he said sipping his drink furiously.

"Yes," she sighed. "But I'm not ready. I can't deal with this right now."

"You're not ready or you're not willing to consider it?" he asked. "Do you feel anything for me or no?"

"I do love you Toby and I have thought about it," she replied honestly. "I just don't know how it could work. I don't know who I am yet and you have a very definite plan for your life. I could probably be content to go along with you but I'd lose whoever I'm supposed to be."

"So you'd be settling?" he asked angrily. "Great. That's just great."

"No, you don't understand," she said.

"Do you feel a thing or not?" he asked again.

"You want an answer this second?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Toby, please," she tried to protest.

"I'll take that as a no," he said.

"Toby," she shouted with tears in her eyes.

"No, right?"

"No," she said tearfully looking down at the floor.

"Fine," he said. "You should probably go."

"Toby please don't be like this," she said.

"I'll call you a cab," he said.

"Toby," she pleaded.

"No," he said looking at her with cold eyes. "You told me once that it wasn't naïve to have faith in people. I guess that was a lie wasn't it?"

CJ left shortly afterwards and by the end of the month she was working for Emily's List and Toby was moving back east. He had decided that he hated California long ago and now it didn't seem as if he had anything worth staying for. He and CJ didn't speak before he left. He didn't have the inclination to call before leaving. He sent her a change of address card when he got back to Maryland.

They eventually spoke again. It was about a year later that CJ called him to wish him Happy Chanukah that they really started to speak again. Toby was working on a campaign and dating a woman whom he seemed to enjoy. They never spoke of what happened after that night and their friendship eventually fell back into place.

* * *

_December 2006_

Toby replaced the cap to his bottle of Jack Daniels. It was a worrisome prospect to be drinking alone at two in the morning, but he was doing it anyway. He had turned on CNN and saw CJ and President Bartlet speaking at some event. It was then that he decided to open the bottle of liquor. She was the one person he wanted to call and he couldn't. Although they were cut off, he found solace in his bottle of Jack Daniels and ruminated on things passed. They'd been through it before. Maybe there was hope for them after all.

Across town CJ sat on her couch and picked up a framed photograph of what she now called, "the good old days." She was on her way to the kitchen for some water when the photo caught her eye in the glint of the full moon light. She saw how she stood behind Toby as they watched President Bartlet speak. She ran her finger over the photo and reminisced for a moment.

"There you are," Danny said sleepily. "I wondered where you went."

He walked over to the couch and sat down next to her. He saw the photo she was looking at and knew immediately what she was thinking.

"You should call him," Danny suggested. "Wish him a Happy Chanukah."

"You know I can't," she said.

"You should anyway," he said.

"Maybe one day," she said.

"You're being stubborn," he pointed out.

"I'm not the only one," she replied. "And there are many good reasons for it."

"Cautious, but also stubborn," Danny said again.

"Well, Toby and I know how to hold a good grudge."

"So I've seen," he said. "Come back to bed, it's late."

"I will," she said. "Just another minute for remembrance of things passed."

CJ set the photo back on the table and walked back to bed confident that someday she and Toby would once again mend their rift as they had so many years ago.

The End.


End file.
